That relaxing could cost so much...

We want to take a weekend off to go do the stuff we love in a place that is beautiful and relaxing. But I've come to realize that the above 'mission statement' is deceptive in its simplicity. My main problem is that it costs so damn much to just get there and to have a bed to sleep in, nevermind actually doing something. I'm a bit annoyed by this system that is driven by capitalism. They say "money talks", but unfortunately money speaks a different language than normal human beings, and right now it is yelling at me. And I don't even know what it's saying...

Oh the wonder of Jane Austen and the English language!

I've just finished Mansfield Park over the weekend (for the third time), and it has bowled me over once again. Jane Austen is one of the greatest writers I know of. And it is not because the girl always gets her man.

Reading a Jane Austen novel is all about the journey, never about the destination. It takes you down the pathways of human character through valleys of irony under the skies of impeccable language. I can lose myself in the English she uses - I mean, who says stuff like "fanciful impediment"?

And the way she describes the world around her is just so... judiciously exact (another one of those delicious words ;-p). Although all her novels are immersed in her own period, the way she paints the human experience is absolutely timeless, and makes me painfully aware of how fragile the borders are that we take for granted in life.

About babies (and my 'stuff')

Just the other day (OK, it was 2 years ago - how time flies) I wrote that "everybody" was getting married, and I even had the photos to prove it. Today I'm reporting (with slight trepidation) that "everybody" is having babies.

Of course I don't mean every single person, and they're not all from the first 'wedding phase', but it suddenly hit me: Laurico had a baby last week, Maryke told me a few months ago that she's pregnant, and friends I know from church are having their baby in September, not to mention that Christien and her sister had their babies less than a year ago.

I don't know. It's a bit unnerving to think of the 'baby phase', because it forces me to think of our own plans to have children. And I don't want to think of it. Just the thought makes me VERY uncomfortable, not to mention scared. Why? you ask. Because I know what an enormous responsibility it is to be a good parent, and I want to be the best mom I can possibly be, but I don't feel like I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready. How do you prepare for something so life altering? And to think of all those nice, selfish little pleasures I'll have to give up for a VERY LONG TIME. Like sleeping in. I LOVE sleeping in, it is one of my favourate things in the whole world!!! Or reading for hours. Man, I'll miss that. Or watching DVDs with my husband in the evenings. Or just deciding in the spur of the moment to go out to a restaurant or go watch a movie - that's a regular favourate with us.

I've heard from enough people that, although your life changes drastically, you'll never regret it. I believe that. I'm not afraid of change, in fact I believe that "change is the only constant", and without change, everything will always stay the same. I'm serious - just think about that for a moment.

No, it's not the 'change' that gets to me, it's the 'giving up'. To lose stuff I really treasure... even if it is small stuff, it is still MY stuff.

An Eternal Year

Wow, I can't believe today is the 1st of July - we have officially stepped over the halfway mark of the year. It's strange how relative time can seem. I find with long periods of time where life remains unchanged, that the days seem to blend into this single, indistinguishable piece of continuous history. Then, when I think back over the significant events that happened over a few years, I can honestly say I have trouble placing them on a timeline. Did that happen in 2003? or maybe 2005? I have no idea. Weddings, births, people changing jobs, moving to different cities, going overseas... it all happened in the past year that started in 2002.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a unique fate that is destined to plague only a few people like me, or if - just maybe - it is one of those universal human condition that we all suffer from? I'm hoping for the latter - I feel non-standard enough as it is...

Update: Apparently I'm not the only one who wonders at the wonder of memory. The very wise Fanny Price had the following to say about it:

"If any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, I do think it is memory. There seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! We are, to be sure, a miracle every way; but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting do seem peculiarly past finding out."

~ Fanny Price in Mansfield Park (by Jane Austen)

Life Anthems

During my turbulent teenage years, music was a huge part of my life. One of the ways I coped with "stuff" was to find a song that spoke to me and make it my 'motto', my Life Anthem (until the next great song came along of course). I have had several songs over several years that helped me cope and grow through things. Until today, the one that had the most significance was "Faith like a child" by Jars of Clay. That song was the voice in my head during a time of great change in my life.

Before that, some of the songs that made up my soundtrack was "Jesus Freak" and "Red Letters" by dcTalk, "Love song for a Saviour" by Jars of Clay, Rebecca St. James' whole "God" CD and a song or two by Louis Brits.

Since then my (our) CD collection has grown considerably (which is mostly thanks to my music-crazy husband) and the number of songs I think are great have increased exponentially. Many of them have spoken to me... like "Blessed be Your Name" by Tree63, or Casting Crowns "Praise You in this storm", or "Breaking my fall" by Jeremy Camp, "Perspectives" by Kutless, and a lot of Sanctus Real and Krystal Meyers songs. Oh, and don't forget Switchfoot!

The reason I'm writing this is because I was listening to the new Natalie Grant CD "Relentless" which just inspired me a lot, and that stirred the same old feelings I felt when listening to my Anthem. That's when I realized that I haven't picking an Anthem to live by in a very long time, and I am the poorer for it. I have reduced music to the level of "entertainment" in my life, instead of it being a tool I can use to elevate my life. I'm going to change that.

The keyholes we view the world through

I fear that I have become apathetic and passive in my life - within my mind and actions - and that it will inevitably lead to a life limited by my view of it. I've seen it happen too often, mostly with myself, how we put in so little, then think the little we get out is all there is.

I realized today that I'm not living in the full potential of who I am. And I know it because, although I'm older and somewhat wiser and even successful on many levels, my "inside" has shrunk considerably from the person I was 6 years ago. I know it because:

The things I've learned haven't made me braver, it simply made me more careful. The things I do aren't making this world a better place, it is simply making my world more comfortable. The things I say aren't things I know out of personal experience or even revelation, they are mostly things I repeat from
popular media, the news and gossip that seems to occupy so much of our time. When I'm talking, I'm not talking from a reality of peace and fulfilment, but from discontent and seeking the approval of others. When I complain it is because I feel justified, instead of thinking how it might hurt the people I love. I spend my spare time on self-gratifying activities instead of investing it in things that matter. I have dreams and ambition, but no self-discipline or motivation to pursue them. I want things to change but without it costing me anything. I want to grow but I don't want to be inconvenienced. I want to be a better person but I don't really want to change.

I know something has to change - I might have been more ignorant and naive 6 years ago, but I was also living out loud, making a difference and feeling good about myself.

Can you feel the excitement?

I can sense this strange excitement hanging in the air. It is just there... inside me, around me, everywhere. Something like an expectation, an energy; almost tangible and very real. But of what? I wonder. I don't know. I feel it so strong, yet I've never felt this before. I mean, I know what it feels like to expect something -- but somehow I just know this excitement is over something that does not exist.

Yet.

And that is the part that is a little bit scary. How can I know of something that is still coming? If it is purely a figment of my imagination, it changes to really scary because it is so real and that means I might just be a little bit crazy. And I have no way to tell...

Even if it is not out of myself, it opens up a whole new can of worms. Let's say it is not, then what is it about? What is coming? And will it just 'happen', or would it need a catalyst? Something I yet again doesn't know, and therefore have no way of providing the required actions for. What if it is from God? Now there's a million-dollar question right there. Does God really play the "vague feeling for unknown things" game? I don't know, but I'm guessing He's more a "tell it to your face" direct type of guy.

The irony is, hindsight is 20/20. I can speculate all I want, but in the end I'll only really know for sure after it happened. Or didn't happen. Either way, I'm left in the dark for now.

Love and marriage - the "ever after" kind

I've been thinking about love and marriage a lot lately. I have been married for more than 3 years, and although we've had some speed bumps in the road, I KNOW we will spend the rest of our lives together. How do I know that? Well, that is the million dollar question, isn't it?

Everyone secretly hopes that 'true love' really exists, yet no one can deny that reality usually disappoints, and therefore they will question anyone's ability to make the claim that I just did. Doesn't all newly weds proclaim "true love for ever after"? Well, there's certainly merit to that point of view. But I also know that I'm right. Here's why.

Let me start by saying that before I got married, or even met a likely candidate, I made a decision. I decided to be honest, open and faithful to my mate, full stop. Because that is what trust is built on, and a relationship is doomed from the start if it's not built on trust.

1. First of all, I had to decide that a happy marriage to one man is what I want, and that's what I'll work for. Based on what I've seen and experienced, true happiness and trust in relationships and love is obtained only through marriage to a single person, basically based on the Bible's description of it. Please know that it is important to really believe that from the start, otherwise you WILL want to look around when your marriage reaches an unhappy point (which it will). If you don't believe that, you'll never be happily married. Yes, a happy marriage starts out with this as its foundation.
   
   
2. There was a very important principle I needed to consider for my marriage to work - I need to decide what I want from my husband, then I MUST BE THAT PERSON first. This step takes place long before the actual "I do". It's a universal principle that is called by many different names. Some call it karma, others call it "what you sow, you will reap", and others say that "the wheel turns". Irrelevant of what you believe, your choices and actions will come back to you, whether good or bad. If I want my future husband to be faithful, I must be faithful. If he must love me unconditionally, I must love unconditionally. And by applying this to relationships prior to being married, I sowed into my marriage, and am reaping the benefits of it.
   
   
3. This is the most important factor that is the greatest downfall in most marriages: real love. If you don't know what 1 Cor. 13:4-8 has to say about love, then you cannot even start to comprehend it. And that is still very much within human ability. The Bible says "God is love". That is a very powerful and important statement. If you can accept that God created man (meaning man's abilities and provision comes from Him), and that marriage is a type for Christ and his bride (see Eph. 5:22-33), the concept of love will start to take on new meaning. Christ loved us first without waiting to be loved back. He laid down His life to sanctify his bride, to win her over - unconditional, complete, perfect love. He expects us as believers to love one another, not with human love, but with Agapé. That type of love you can only have if you know God, because 'God is love'.What I'm trying to say is, if you know God, He teaches you to love like that. Then you must trust Him to send someone across your path that loves Him in that same way. Chances are you'll have a marriage made to last forever. This type of love doesn't demand, doesn't seek its own, doesn't get jealous. And even when one of you err, this love covers instead of passing blame.

In my marriage I can honestly say that we've had many typically 'human' days, you know, the type where you forget that you're suppose to cover up, so instead you simply expose, yell, spite, and all those things that could wreck a fragile relationship. Yet, the fact that we both made decisions even before marriage, and the fact that God is the witness to our promises, that is what makes this an forever marriage. As with most things in life, it is only the time and effort you put into something that makes you good at it. An expert is someone who has the most experience, and experience is directly related to the time spent on it.
Thus, you can only become good at love, and good with being married, if you stick with it long enough. No master chef got that title without the flops; even the greatest men in history have their moments of shame. It's only if you stick with it that you grow.

Relationships and commitment issues

My friend phoned me, semi-hysterical, asking my advice. She just talked to her boyfriend (who has told her before that he loves her and wants to marry her) - it was clear to her that he was in bed with another girl.
I always thought these things only happen in movies. I mean, are guys really that dof in real life too? Do they think they can promise a girl the world, but get away with compromising?

I truly don't understand it. Where are the days that someone would say, "I love you and want to marry you", and ACTUALLY mean, "I really love you and will never consider anyone else EVER", instead of "I like you [maybe if this doesn't work/I get tired of you/I need a diversion, I could always sleep with Susan or Debby 'cause you'd never know...]"

It makes me MAD!!! Worst is, usually girls who are stuck with these morons have trouble letting them go. Or should I rather say, kick the idiot in the butt and realize that guy isn't worthy of her. I really hate the politics of relationships. I didn't know what to tell her. I wanted to wring his neck. I wanted to say, why do you allow yourself to be hurt by someone who is clearly not worth this pain? I wanted to shake her and yell, Wake up! Smell the coffee! Get over him and move on. I did not say any of this. She was not ready to hear it. Nothing I said could comfort her, and that's no surprise - how do you comfort a hurt caused by broken trust?

I'm going to bed now to cry for her, then pray earnestly that a decent guy will cross her path soon. A heart cannot be broken too many times, because the scars become too deep.

Movies to avoid - a quick reference

NEVER watch this, you’ll gag:

• DEBS

Bad movie/bad taste/bad topic:

• Closer

OK, but don’t expect much/could have been much better:

• XXX2 – the next level
• Next stop Wonderland