In loving memory of Lucky

This post has been relocated to my Afrikaans "Family News" blog.

Passion Johannesburg

I attended the Passion World Tour converence in Johannesburg with Shani today. It was absolutely awesome!! Awesome in a life-changing way, of course :-) Not to mention that Chris Tomlin really rocks. He is really good on top of being blessed. And Louis Giglio... well, what can I say? Except that he knows exactly what to say. I haven't heard such a captivating speaker in a long time (but then you have to be if you are talking to students - 6000 to be exact!)

I will add the (unfortunately poor quality) photos that I took with my cell later. Meanwhile, click on over to the 'Johannesburg' entry on the Passion blog to view the photos the Passion guys took.

My Life Anthem for (the remainder of) 2008

I have found a song that reflects my desire for this time in life (please refer to my post on Life Anthems, 19 June '08). I found it a couple of weeks ago, but it was a long search since I want it to mean something.

The song to live by for me is "Never going back to OK" by The Afters. It talks about coming to a point of 'Godly discontent' and making a 180° turn. It's a constant reminding that I've been there and made a change, that although the old habits might let me turn back without noticing, I am in a constant fight to overcome the life where I have wasted my days, "complacent and tasteless and bored"...

The song's words:

It's not the end / But it feels like it is / I'm waking up / Like I'm back from the dead / I'm stepping out / And I feel so free / But as long as I'm moving it's all right

I feel alive / And it hurts for a change / And looking back / It's hard to believe / That I was cool / With the days that I wasted / Complacent and tasteless and bored

But that was yesterday... / We're never going back to OK / We're never going back to easy / We're never going back to the way it was / We're never going back to OK

This discontent / Like a slap in the face / Of mediocre / I've had enough of this place / This party's over / And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills

That was yesterday... We're never going back to OK / We're never going back to easy / We're never going back to the way it was / We're never going back to OK

We're here to stay / This is our time / Our only life / Our chance to live

"Never going back to OK" • The Afters • 2008

That relaxing could cost so much...

We want to take a weekend off to go do the stuff we love in a place that is beautiful and relaxing. But I've come to realize that the above 'mission statement' is deceptive in its simplicity. My main problem is that it costs so damn much to just get there and to have a bed to sleep in, nevermind actually doing something. I'm a bit annoyed by this system that is driven by capitalism. They say "money talks", but unfortunately money speaks a different language than normal human beings, and right now it is yelling at me. And I don't even know what it's saying...

Oh the wonder of Jane Austen and the English language!

I've just finished Mansfield Park over the weekend (for the third time), and it has bowled me over once again. Jane Austen is one of the greatest writers I know of. And it is not because the girl always gets her man.

Reading a Jane Austen novel is all about the journey, never about the destination. It takes you down the pathways of human character through valleys of irony under the skies of impeccable language. I can lose myself in the English she uses - I mean, who says stuff like "fanciful impediment"?

And the way she describes the world around her is just so... judiciously exact (another one of those delicious words ;-p). Although all her novels are immersed in her own period, the way she paints the human experience is absolutely timeless, and makes me painfully aware of how fragile the borders are that we take for granted in life.

About babies (and my 'stuff')

Just the other day (OK, it was 2 years ago - how time flies) I wrote that "everybody" was getting married, and I even had the photos to prove it. Today I'm reporting (with slight trepidation) that "everybody" is having babies.

Of course I don't mean every single person, and they're not all from the first 'wedding phase', but it suddenly hit me: Laurico had a baby last week, Maryke told me a few months ago that she's pregnant, and friends I know from church are having their baby in September, not to mention that Christien and her sister had their babies less than a year ago.

I don't know. It's a bit unnerving to think of the 'baby phase', because it forces me to think of our own plans to have children. And I don't want to think of it. Just the thought makes me VERY uncomfortable, not to mention scared. Why? you ask. Because I know what an enormous responsibility it is to be a good parent, and I want to be the best mom I can possibly be, but I don't feel like I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready. How do you prepare for something so life altering? And to think of all those nice, selfish little pleasures I'll have to give up for a VERY LONG TIME. Like sleeping in. I LOVE sleeping in, it is one of my favourate things in the whole world!!! Or reading for hours. Man, I'll miss that. Or watching DVDs with my husband in the evenings. Or just deciding in the spur of the moment to go out to a restaurant or go watch a movie - that's a regular favourate with us.

I've heard from enough people that, although your life changes drastically, you'll never regret it. I believe that. I'm not afraid of change, in fact I believe that "change is the only constant", and without change, everything will always stay the same. I'm serious - just think about that for a moment.

No, it's not the 'change' that gets to me, it's the 'giving up'. To lose stuff I really treasure... even if it is small stuff, it is still MY stuff.

An Eternal Year

Wow, I can't believe today is the 1st of July - we have officially stepped over the halfway mark of the year. It's strange how relative time can seem. I find with long periods of time where life remains unchanged, that the days seem to blend into this single, indistinguishable piece of continuous history. Then, when I think back over the significant events that happened over a few years, I can honestly say I have trouble placing them on a timeline. Did that happen in 2003? or maybe 2005? I have no idea. Weddings, births, people changing jobs, moving to different cities, going overseas... it all happened in the past year that started in 2002.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a unique fate that is destined to plague only a few people like me, or if - just maybe - it is one of those universal human condition that we all suffer from? I'm hoping for the latter - I feel non-standard enough as it is...

Update: Apparently I'm not the only one who wonders at the wonder of memory. The very wise Fanny Price had the following to say about it:

"If any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, I do think it is memory. There seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! We are, to be sure, a miracle every way; but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting do seem peculiarly past finding out."

~ Fanny Price in Mansfield Park (by Jane Austen)

Life Anthems

During my turbulent teenage years, music was a huge part of my life. One of the ways I coped with "stuff" was to find a song that spoke to me and make it my 'motto', my Life Anthem (until the next great song came along of course). I have had several songs over several years that helped me cope and grow through things. Until today, the one that had the most significance was "Faith like a child" by Jars of Clay. That song was the voice in my head during a time of great change in my life.

Before that, some of the songs that made up my soundtrack was "Jesus Freak" and "Red Letters" by dcTalk, "Love song for a Saviour" by Jars of Clay, Rebecca St. James' whole "God" CD and a song or two by Louis Brits.

Since then my (our) CD collection has grown considerably (which is mostly thanks to my music-crazy husband) and the number of songs I think are great have increased exponentially. Many of them have spoken to me... like "Blessed be Your Name" by Tree63, or Casting Crowns "Praise You in this storm", or "Breaking my fall" by Jeremy Camp, "Perspectives" by Kutless, and a lot of Sanctus Real and Krystal Meyers songs. Oh, and don't forget Switchfoot!

The reason I'm writing this is because I was listening to the new Natalie Grant CD "Relentless" which just inspired me a lot, and that stirred the same old feelings I felt when listening to my Anthem. That's when I realized that I haven't picking an Anthem to live by in a very long time, and I am the poorer for it. I have reduced music to the level of "entertainment" in my life, instead of it being a tool I can use to elevate my life. I'm going to change that.

The keyholes we view the world through

I fear that I have become apathetic and passive in my life - within my mind and actions - and that it will inevitably lead to a life limited by my view of it. I've seen it happen too often, mostly with myself, how we put in so little, then think the little we get out is all there is.

I realized today that I'm not living in the full potential of who I am. And I know it because, although I'm older and somewhat wiser and even successful on many levels, my "inside" has shrunk considerably from the person I was 6 years ago. I know it because:

The things I've learned haven't made me braver, it simply made me more careful. The things I do aren't making this world a better place, it is simply making my world more comfortable. The things I say aren't things I know out of personal experience or even revelation, they are mostly things I repeat from
popular media, the news and gossip that seems to occupy so much of our time. When I'm talking, I'm not talking from a reality of peace and fulfilment, but from discontent and seeking the approval of others. When I complain it is because I feel justified, instead of thinking how it might hurt the people I love. I spend my spare time on self-gratifying activities instead of investing it in things that matter. I have dreams and ambition, but no self-discipline or motivation to pursue them. I want things to change but without it costing me anything. I want to grow but I don't want to be inconvenienced. I want to be a better person but I don't really want to change.

I know something has to change - I might have been more ignorant and naive 6 years ago, but I was also living out loud, making a difference and feeling good about myself.

Can you feel the excitement?

I can sense this strange excitement hanging in the air. It is just there... inside me, around me, everywhere. Something like an expectation, an energy; almost tangible and very real. But of what? I wonder. I don't know. I feel it so strong, yet I've never felt this before. I mean, I know what it feels like to expect something -- but somehow I just know this excitement is over something that does not exist.

Yet.

And that is the part that is a little bit scary. How can I know of something that is still coming? If it is purely a figment of my imagination, it changes to really scary because it is so real and that means I might just be a little bit crazy. And I have no way to tell...

Even if it is not out of myself, it opens up a whole new can of worms. Let's say it is not, then what is it about? What is coming? And will it just 'happen', or would it need a catalyst? Something I yet again doesn't know, and therefore have no way of providing the required actions for. What if it is from God? Now there's a million-dollar question right there. Does God really play the "vague feeling for unknown things" game? I don't know, but I'm guessing He's more a "tell it to your face" direct type of guy.

The irony is, hindsight is 20/20. I can speculate all I want, but in the end I'll only really know for sure after it happened. Or didn't happen. Either way, I'm left in the dark for now.