Depression

Five months ago a certain tragedy pushed me over the figurative edge into a very dark abyss... The tragedy itself was simply the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and it took a very long time for me to truly realize the extend of the darkness. All the while I have been hiding in a dark corner of my mind, unable to climb out of this hole. All I wish for is to be invisible.

I know it's not healthy. Hell, I don't even like feeling this way. But even as I'm writing this I have no answer. I have tried though, and despite still living in darkness I know I've grown. The journey of the past few months has been painful yet educational; it made me reevaluate some things, and the answers have started to change me:

• I started to think about desire. About happiness. I have started writing again.
• I started to think about myself. About motivation. About fear. I have started to challenge my inhibitions.
• I started to think about love. About sex. I am slowly becoming aware of undiscovered passion.
  
• I started to think about life. About being invisible. I have been hiding for so long that I don't know how to stop.
  
• I started to think about the bigger picture. About having something to say. I have started to question my voice - and the notion that I have nothing to say is suffocating me.
  

The worst part is that I don't know how to fix this. Being the rational, always-in-control person that I am, it scares the living daylight out of me. Or maybe the worst part is the loneliness. Even when you are surrounded by people you are always invisible, even to those who love you. Yes, the loneliness is definitely worse.

Being depressed sucks.

I learned a new word today: graphophile

I learned that there's a word for people like me who like writing: graphophiles. And guess what you call the fear of writing? Graphophobia . Not that I could ever put myself in that position, because to say I "like" writing is an understatement. I just love writing, anything from letters and postcards, to short stories (which I never finish), to lists (which I never follow), to taking down thorough notes during speeches/classes/sermons (which I never go back to). I have more pens than I could ever use in one lifetime, and more letter pads than I could ever find time to actually send. But apparently that's to be expected, because graphophiles not only love writing, but all things related. So I guess now I have something to blame for my immeasurable amount of papers and envelopes and pens and more pens collecting dust. Did I mention I have a lot of pens?

As a bonus, here is a fascinating blog entry that's basically a short list of links to a few things graphophiliated (that's my own made-up word: graphophile + related = graphophiliated! No one can ever say I didn't contribute to the English language! ;-)

I've heard of couch potatoes, but CouchSurfers?

I stumbled across the most fascinating article about Couch Surfing on a travel website (Brave New Traveler). Before this moment, I never even considered the possibility that something like this existed! OK, before I lose you, Couch Surfing is basically a form of backpacking, where the traveller stays with a host family instead of in a hostel ("sleeping on someone's couch", so to speak), and then travels that country using voluntary hosts (or "couches") as the main form of accommodation.

The reason it captured my attention was when I visited one of the enabler websites, CouchSurfing.com, there were 1172 available couches in South Africa alone. That means, in my country at this very moment, there are 1172 empty, available couches just waiting to be filled with complete strangers. Or, there are 1172 people who are willing to open their homes, give of their time, and spend money and energy on a STRANGER who will basically live off them for 1 or 2 nights and then move on. Wow. Who knew?

It is at this point in time that any normal person might experience some form of physical discomfort. Like nausea or dizziness. Before you fall over, read the article about Couch Surfing, (it might not be as bad as you think) and take a look at some enabler websites (the article mentions CouchSurfing.com and Hospitality Club).

The main thing I got out of this was the word "altruism". I had to look it up :-) And it made my heart sing!

Why? Because when you stand back and look at the human race, it's hard to see past all the destruction and selfishness. But then you start looking closer and you find communities all over the world that care for other people -- care for complete strangers -- without any regard for reward or recognition. It's these moments of clarity that makes me proud to be homo sapien.

"What may I learn from this?"

Today is the day that has become known as Nine Eleven. The events that happened in America on this day 7 years ago has had a ripple effect across the whole world. I know because I felt it here in Africa. And I felt it again today, like I do every year. I marvel at how this potentially destructive tragedy has instead become a connection point for an entire nation. This day has become a moment where they reflect on what they have and what they should be thankful for -- a day that now celebrates freedom and blessings. They have decided to focus on the now and here, instead of the past and the "other", the what ifs and revenge.

I always feel a kind of sadness when this day comes around. I can't help but notice how my own country is still obsessing about the wrongs of the past, and how those who have the power to make it better is still focused on the revenge and hatred instead of the freedom and blessing.

No one country is perfect, I know that very well. But I salute you, Americans, who have chosen to find life in the shadow of death. May that be your legacy, and may the world take notice and learn from it. And may I look back one day at my own country and see how we learned from our mistakes and find the same spirit of forgiveness and unity.

My deepest desire is that we may all stop looking around us asking "What can I get from this", and instead look inwards and ask "What may I learn from this".

In loving memory of Lucky

This post has been relocated to my Afrikaans "Family News" blog.

Passion Johannesburg

I attended the Passion World Tour converence in Johannesburg with Shani today. It was absolutely awesome!! Awesome in a life-changing way, of course :-) Not to mention that Chris Tomlin really rocks. He is really good on top of being blessed. And Louis Giglio... well, what can I say? Except that he knows exactly what to say. I haven't heard such a captivating speaker in a long time (but then you have to be if you are talking to students - 6000 to be exact!)

I will add the (unfortunately poor quality) photos that I took with my cell later. Meanwhile, click on over to the 'Johannesburg' entry on the Passion blog to view the photos the Passion guys took.

My Life Anthem for (the remainder of) 2008

I have found a song that reflects my desire for this time in life (please refer to my post on Life Anthems, 19 June '08). I found it a couple of weeks ago, but it was a long search since I want it to mean something.

The song to live by for me is "Never going back to OK" by The Afters. It talks about coming to a point of 'Godly discontent' and making a 180° turn. It's a constant reminding that I've been there and made a change, that although the old habits might let me turn back without noticing, I am in a constant fight to overcome the life where I have wasted my days, "complacent and tasteless and bored"...

The song's words:

It's not the end / But it feels like it is / I'm waking up / Like I'm back from the dead / I'm stepping out / And I feel so free / But as long as I'm moving it's all right

I feel alive / And it hurts for a change / And looking back / It's hard to believe / That I was cool / With the days that I wasted / Complacent and tasteless and bored

But that was yesterday... / We're never going back to OK / We're never going back to easy / We're never going back to the way it was / We're never going back to OK

This discontent / Like a slap in the face / Of mediocre / I've had enough of this place / This party's over / And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills

That was yesterday... We're never going back to OK / We're never going back to easy / We're never going back to the way it was / We're never going back to OK

We're here to stay / This is our time / Our only life / Our chance to live

"Never going back to OK" • The Afters • 2008

That relaxing could cost so much...

We want to take a weekend off to go do the stuff we love in a place that is beautiful and relaxing. But I've come to realize that the above 'mission statement' is deceptive in its simplicity. My main problem is that it costs so damn much to just get there and to have a bed to sleep in, nevermind actually doing something. I'm a bit annoyed by this system that is driven by capitalism. They say "money talks", but unfortunately money speaks a different language than normal human beings, and right now it is yelling at me. And I don't even know what it's saying...

Oh the wonder of Jane Austen and the English language!

I've just finished Mansfield Park over the weekend (for the third time), and it has bowled me over once again. Jane Austen is one of the greatest writers I know of. And it is not because the girl always gets her man.

Reading a Jane Austen novel is all about the journey, never about the destination. It takes you down the pathways of human character through valleys of irony under the skies of impeccable language. I can lose myself in the English she uses - I mean, who says stuff like "fanciful impediment"?

And the way she describes the world around her is just so... judiciously exact (another one of those delicious words ;-p). Although all her novels are immersed in her own period, the way she paints the human experience is absolutely timeless, and makes me painfully aware of how fragile the borders are that we take for granted in life.

About babies (and my 'stuff')

Just the other day (OK, it was 2 years ago - how time flies) I wrote that "everybody" was getting married, and I even had the photos to prove it. Today I'm reporting (with slight trepidation) that "everybody" is having babies.

Of course I don't mean every single person, and they're not all from the first 'wedding phase', but it suddenly hit me: Laurico had a baby last week, Maryke told me a few months ago that she's pregnant, and friends I know from church are having their baby in September, not to mention that Christien and her sister had their babies less than a year ago.

I don't know. It's a bit unnerving to think of the 'baby phase', because it forces me to think of our own plans to have children. And I don't want to think of it. Just the thought makes me VERY uncomfortable, not to mention scared. Why? you ask. Because I know what an enormous responsibility it is to be a good parent, and I want to be the best mom I can possibly be, but I don't feel like I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready. How do you prepare for something so life altering? And to think of all those nice, selfish little pleasures I'll have to give up for a VERY LONG TIME. Like sleeping in. I LOVE sleeping in, it is one of my favourate things in the whole world!!! Or reading for hours. Man, I'll miss that. Or watching DVDs with my husband in the evenings. Or just deciding in the spur of the moment to go out to a restaurant or go watch a movie - that's a regular favourate with us.

I've heard from enough people that, although your life changes drastically, you'll never regret it. I believe that. I'm not afraid of change, in fact I believe that "change is the only constant", and without change, everything will always stay the same. I'm serious - just think about that for a moment.

No, it's not the 'change' that gets to me, it's the 'giving up'. To lose stuff I really treasure... even if it is small stuff, it is still MY stuff.